“Searching for a soulmate takes a long time and requires enormous emotional investment. The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress. Younger generations face immense pressure to find the “perfect person” that didn’t simply exist in the past when “good enough” was good enough”
– Aziz Ansari

Disclaimer: I forgot to add this to my introductory post: The danger (and my chief worry for this entire project) is that writing these summaries would communicate disdain for these phenomenons I’m describing and I am somehow above it all rather than co-belligerent because I’m writing about it. Rest assured, there is nothing here I am not exploring from the inside. Additionally, I recognize my position here as a man and it is not lost on me.

Romance 101

To fill the empty void by capital-R Religion with regards to our salvation, we have turned to the big story of Romance. Sure enough, the seculosity of romance has now fused our love lives with our quest to be enough – we look to all our spiritual, physical, emotional, and moral needs and focus it into one individual.

Romance in the modern age is much like romance in middle school. In middle school, we believe with our whole hearts that if we are liked by the right people, especially the right girl or boy, we will be enough and have transcended to the next level of “being alive”. Moreover, what we’re looking for in middle school (and in life) is approval – the validation not that we’re loved so much as lovable. As David Zahl writes,

“What sounds like a double bind make a funny kind of sense: if we’re looking to another person to accept us in order to feel good about ourselves, then our attention will be focused on how well or badly we are doing every time we’re around them, and no on the other person themselves. We will be scanning their words and movements for clues about where we stand rather than listening to what they may actually be trying to communicate.”

Self-consciousness is the bane of potential and hopeful relationships and – like middle schoolers – we have forgotten that the person sitting across from us are just as human as we are.

“No Quid Pro Quo”

Often times, if not most, romance can turn into a quid pro quo (you don’t own the word, Mr. Trump). In other words, the language of love and romance is a language of scorekeeping and conditions. “I’ll do this for you because you do that for me.” “I’ll hold up my end of the bargain as long as you hold up yours,” we say. How egalitarian of us! However altruistic our intentions may be, that kind of nonassurance set us up for a life of accounting and is downright manipulative.

In their book Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), social psychologists Carol Tarvis and Elliot Aronson describes our fixation on our own self-righteousness:

“The vast majority of couples who drift apart do so slowly, over time, in a snowballing pattern of blame and self-justification. Each partner focuses on what the other one is doing wrong, while justifying his or her preferences, attitudes, and ways of doing things…From our standpoint, therefore, misunderstandings, conflicts, personality differences, and even angry quarrels are not the assassins of love; self-justification is.”

The Sexless Innkeeper

Since the show ended back in early 2014, How I Met Your Mother and its portrayal of the male and female dynamics of romance still continues to perfectly illustrate our culture’s understanding of sex even after 5 years later. In one of the shows comical episodes, the protagonist, Ted, is teased by his more competent and sexually active friend, Barney, for allowing a woman to stay the night without having sex with her. As a result, Barney wrote a poem about how Ted is an innkeeper for women who just need a place to crash and never have sex with him.

How I Met Your Mother is one of many examples that no space plays a more prominent role than the bedroom. Ultimately, we have flipped the traditional religious point of view that is preoccupied with the perils of sexual promiscuity to a secular mindset that is similarly concerned with the perils of chastity.

You. Complete. Me.

Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother is not alone when I say that romantic love has captured our devotion for good reason. As Zahl writes,

“It is the closest most of us will get to transcendence in this life and, as such, is the single best approximation of salvation available to the human creature. the exalted language we employ to extol romantic love fits. We call it enchanting, uplifting, sublime, heavenly, everything and more. [..] Nowhere do we see romance cast as salvation more overtly than in the widespread notion that there’s one special someone out there for each of us, the yin to our yang, a single person who holds the key to both our personal happiness and ultimate fulfillment. As Saint Jerry of Maquire famously opines to his estranged wife, “You. Complete. Me.” The doctrine he was drawing upon is what we might semi-affectionately term the Soulmate Myth.”

Technology has helped open up the field of possible partners and propagate the Soulmate Myth further. As a result, today’s generation is pressured to find the “perfect person”. Anything less than that is settling. As the comedian, Aziz Ansari explains,

“[The internet] doesn’t simply help us find the best thing out there; it has helped produce the idea that there is a best thing and, if we search hard enough, we can find it.”

What Is Love?

What then, after illustrating the pitfalls of our culture’s relationship with romance, does the other side of seculosity of romance look like? Zahl makes the case that love is not what our expectations (or disappointments) might be. He states that we should shift our understanding from “I love you as long as you don’t disappoint me” to “I love you in the midst of our mutual disappointments.” As Zahl states,

“Real love is not something we decide on. Nor is it something we earn. Love is more than something we fall into; it is something we fail into. What sounds like a somewhat more tragic view of life is actually a starting point for compassion, forgiveness, and joy. After all, we stand a better chance of loving our spouse (or neighbor) when we aren’t looking to them to do or be what they cannot do or be.”

This is what the Apostle John meant when he spoke of God is love. Scripture does not eschew romance or deny it a transcendent thrill. Instead, it posits a third model for romance and marriage, not one of expediency or mutual gratification, but of self-emptying and sacrifice.

The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person.  This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage.  It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. […] The primary problem is…learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.
– Stanley Hauerwas

I’m not sure how I came across this song, but I’ve been listening to it a lot lately. I share it here as a kind of devotional set to music. The lyrics carry within them a lot of biblical imagery, which has led me to reflect and meditate on a whole bunch of different things. The plan is to share some of those things in the upcoming weeks. But for now, take a listen:

The song is a sustained reflection on Romans 5:12-19:

12 Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned—

13 To be sure, sin was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not charged against anyone’s account where there is no law. 14 Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who is a pattern of the one to come.

15 But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! 16 Nor can the gift of God be compared with the result of one man’s sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17 For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!

18 Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people. 19 For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

Flowing out from this passage, the lyrics echo a plethora of other biblical themes. Here are some other passages I hear the song roping into its orbit:

• Genesis 1-3
• John 1:1-3
• Romans 5:12-19
• 1 Corinthians 2:6-10
• 1 Corinthians 15:45-57
• Galatians 3:10-14
• Ephesians 1:3-14
• 1 Peter 1:3-9
• Revelation 22:1-5

As I said this song can be used as a musical devotional of sorts — something that can help us to engage with and reflect on Scripture. I’ll share some of my own reflections in subsequent posts.

“The most purely, proudly American genre of writing might be the to-do list”
– Parul Sehgal

The consequences of seculosity is that we have become a society searching for a sense of “being enough” in our everyday achievements. In other words, we begin justifying our lives by what we do and how we perform.

One of the great contributions of my generation – go Millennials! – is the brilliant gift called “memes”. To the uninitiated, a “meme” is a picture that has an image and statement that describes a particular idea, behavior, or style that is easily identifiable within a culture.

Often times a meme like this one is followed by, “#Mood”, “everyday”, “my life”, or “Amen” – a recognition that our fast paced modern life is a shared experience among people anywhere and everywhere.

I am hardly the first person to note how ubiquitous busyness has become part of our day-to-day. With parents working full-time jobs and driving their kids to extracurricular activities or young adults working 60-80 hours a week and making time to spend time with family and friends, no wonder we find solidarity in Cruella Deville’s crazed look! Either we have no time at all or we are trying to “save time”. We measure “the good life” in miles driven, productivity hacks, and checking off boxes on our to-do list. As a result, we have lulled ourselves into believing tha being busy is to be valuable, desired, and justified. It signals importance, and, therefore, enoughness.

As David Zahl writes,

“The demands on our time, and for our attention, only seem to increase with each passing year, growing ever more frenetic and unforgiving. Advertisers have begun to talk of the dawn of “the attention economy” for good reason. Some chalk the escalation up to a changing global economy, some to smart technology, some to post-Christian spiritual restlessness. Whatever the case, “busy” is no longer the sole purview of high-octane professionals and parents of toddlers. Everyone I know is busy, and hardly anyone frames it as a conscious choice. If anything, it feels like the only means of survival. […] The more frantic the activity, the better. The implication, of course, is that if we’re not over-occupied, we are inferior to those who are. Busyness has become a virtue in and of itself.”

Being busy is attractive because 1) it allows us to feel like we’re advancing on the path of life 2) while distracting us from less pleasant realities like uncertainty and death. Additionally, we see our busy life and exhaustion as a benchmark and a status symbol – a public display of a full life.

David Zahl makes it clear that what lies at the root of chronic busyness is performancism.

“Performancism is the assumption, usually unspoken, that there is no distinction between what we do and who we are. Your resume isn’t a part of your identity, it is your identity. What makes you lovable, indeed what makes your life worth living, is your performance at X, Y, or Z. Performancism holds that if you are no doing enough, or doing enough well, you are not enough. At least, you are less than those who are “killing it.”

If this sounds eerily familiar in regards to our favorite passtimes, then it should. Sports like Basketball, Football, Baseball, Soccer, Racing, Swimming, and Rock Climbing are all activities that athletes have to perform and achieve X, Y, or Z – if they are not doing well enough, then they are not good enough. Maybe as a culture we have integrated our criteria of athletes and sports teams to our daily lives.

If the world of professional sports doesn’t hit home for some of you (or at all), then we can look at experiences that are familiar: school and social media.

Grades and Likes are barometers that point to a full and good life. We ascribe a lot of power to a single grade or the amount of likes we get with good reason. Nevertheless, one failure on an exam or less likes may be all it takes to confirm some of our deeper doubts we harbor for ourselves.

“Performancism turns life into a competition to be won (#winning) or a problem to be solved, as opposed to, say, a series of moments to be experienced or an adventure to relish. Performancism invests daily task with existential significance and turn even menial activities into measures of enoughness. The language of performancism is the language of scorekeeping, and just like the weight scale or the calendar, it knows no mercy. When supercharged by technology, the results can even be deadly.”

The Church is not cut off from this phenomenon. In fact, we have grafted the seculosity of busyness and performancism from the world into our church culture. Whether we are trying to outdo one another in good-works, either out of charity or acts of devotion, we instinctively see our spiritual resume as the ticket for God’s approval. Additionally, we can’t help but measure ourselves – and others – and give value to those who are “busy” serving the church. This is not to say we should serve less or not encourage others, but we need to recognize that we have baptize the language and theology of busyness with Capital-R Religion

The Apostle Paul is right when he said that no one is valued higher than another – we are all equals at the foot of the cross.

“So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.”
Galatians 3:26-29 NIV

“But what if instead of distracting ourselves, we simply stopped? What if we said no more often? What would happen if we slowed down?
We could begin to live ordindary time well.”
– Ashley Hales

Now that I’m finished with my program and taking some time off from school, I have more time to read choicebooks instead of textbooks. Thus, as I am entering this short season of rest, I am able to spend a little more time in writing. Interestingly enough (and not on purpose), the choicebooks that I am currently reading all seem to have a common thread to them and I am now finally wrapping my head around those thoughts and ideas that are increasingly growing by each passing day. The hope is to write one blog post a week in regards to one particular book that Ken has mentioned recently.

Author David Zahl’s remarkable book, Seculosity, makes it clear that the spiritual crisis of our age is that we are not less religious, but in fact more religious than ever before. We have simply migrated our religious-like fervor for salvation to certain things in our daily world to validate our “enoughness”.

There are some terms that need to be parse out in order to move forward with this series. Hopefully this will help anyone who reads these posts.

First, Capital-R Religion and lower-R religion has very two distinctive meanings. Imagery of robes, kneeling, and Buddy Christ are what we might call Capital-R Religion. Lower-R religion is when we direct our longings to a particular activity to tell us we are okay, that our lives matter, and there is a purpose spending our days climbing towards a dream of wholeness.

Secondly, Zahl’s unique term, seculosity, comes from marrying both ‘secular’ and ‘religiosity’. It is our attempt to fill the void left by religion to look to what is ubiquitous – from eating and parenting to dating and voting – for the meaning once provided on Sunday morning.

Lastly, ‘Performancism’ is the idea that who we are is defined by what we do. It is when we tie our identity and value directly to our performance and achievements. It follows that ‘enoughness’ must come from reaching some level of accomplishment. That is, as Zahl’s writes, “we believe instinctively that, were we to reach some benchmark in our minds, then value, vindication, and love would be ours – that if we got enough, we would be enough.”

Scripture and the Apostle Paul use a different word to describe our ‘enoughness’: righteousness. Modern language defines righteousness as “a behavior that is morally justifiable or right”; however, righteousness is sometimes translate in Scripture to mean “the state that is acceptable/approved by God”. In other words, our righteousness (or enoughness) has already been found.

For the next 9-10 weeks, I will be giving summaries of each chapter along with sprinkled reflections of my own. I hope you can join with me on this journey!